Dear Kate,
Iām engaged. Three months after our first date, he bent down on one knee with a small box. We were alone, on a quiet beach. He held out a ring: his grandmotherās diamond reset in a thin gold band. I said yes.
It wasnāt impulsive, it was planned. It felt serious and joyful, somber and celebratory, nerve-wracking and full of certainty, all at the same time.
Some will be shocked. Three months? Are they nuts?
Maybe. But itās a beautiful thing to choose and to be chosen. Itās something our culture feels so disconnected fromāthe deep joy of making permanent decisions.
Iām not naive. I understand the statistics: ā50 percent of marriages end in divorce.ā Research has shown 20 percent of married men and 10 percent of married women cheat on their spouses. Today, marriage is declining. An increasing number of adults are staying single or choosing to cohabitate with their partners instead. The paperwork, the legality of marriage, feels like a financial agreement doomed for emotional and economic pain. Itās burdensome and constricting. āArenāt we all too modern for this?ā critics say.
But trends mean nothing until you examine the specifics. So here are the specifics.
We met at church. Our first dates were not dates at all, but long walks to debate and argue. We took loops around Lake Austin to yammer about big topics: religion, philosophy, diet, exercise, money, family. What makes a meaningful life? Is there ever such thing as a good person? What does āgoodā mean? (Our mutual friends find us exhausting.)
These days, we do the same thing over coffee and scrambled eggs in our kitchen. We talk to each other constantlyāwhile cooking, showering, walking, reading, working. Weāre like little parrots. Meanwhile, our text thread is so short I can still scroll to the top of it. Most of it says, āIām here,ā or āIām parking,ā or āWhere are you?ā
The reason we talk so much is that we have so much to talk about. We are very different people. He runs marathons, I like to take naps. He dropped out of college to start a company, bored by the inanity of learning without doing. I long for learning, the quiet sound of a lecture hall filled with scratching pencils. Iām cautious and controlled, heās decisive and instinctive. He is the most punctual person Iāve ever met. I try my best to be on time. He jumps out of bed at 6:00 am. I fiddle with my phone until 7:30 am, or 8:00 am, and roll over until 9:00 am.
But we share core beliefs: Thereās no such thing as a budget for books. Grey Poupon is better than Heinz. Faith comes first. Love the people around you. We believe in the value of inquisitiveness, asking āWhy?ā and āHow?ā
Hereās something important: Heās not a perfect person. We squabble sometimes about crumbs left on the counter or different visions for vacation plans. (I hate spending money, he likes to celebrate.) But Iām not a perfect person either. I can be crabby, anxious, and neurotic.
Thatās whatās beautiful about the unending commitment of marriage. The flaws come too. We have space for messiness as well as joy. Within a lifelong commitment, I can free him from the burden of being perfect. Without the expectation of being the āperfect man,ā he can be exactly what he is: A great man. (Crumbs and all.) Thatās freeing.
Iāve never known a relationship where I didnāt have to edit myself or put on a show. āThe pretty girl with a smile and a positive attitude,ā cast of one. But marriage is different. Itās not a theater performance you can dance and sing then drop when the curtain closesāitās constant. Itās all day, every day. No one can be pretty, polite, skinny, and peppy for forever. Failure is a certainty.
Yet heās made a commitment to embrace me anyway, even when Iām messy, cranky, hungry, stinky, irrational, or too frugal. Thatās not to say those characteristics are likableātheyāre notāitās to say that even when he doesnāt like it (or when I donāt like something heās doing) we have a mutual agreement to keep going. To keep talking. To keep going on walks. To work through it.
Within the safety of that commitment, we can aim toward something nobler than perfection. We can aim toward becoming whole.
Thatās an important distinction: unconditional love comes because of the commitment, not the other way around. So much of our cultureāwith shows like āThe Bachelorā or āLove Islandāāteaches us that the search for love is more important than the hard work of life in a relationship. We should hunt high and low for the perfect partner while casting aside anyone with blemishes. If they make a mistake, theyāre gone. But once we find someone who is perfect, then we can fall in love. Weāre looking for āthe one.ā Dating apps reinforce the idea: There are always more faces to swipe through. Your perfect match is out there, you just need to keep looking.
Thatās why in most rom coms, the wedding happens at the end of the movie. The hard workāthe searchāis over. The main character has finally found the object of their affection, and they ride into the sunset together. Roll credits.
But for me, Iām choosing to believe the commitment is the beginning. Itās where the story starts. Weāve barely scribbled out our prologue. Where will the story go from here? I canāt wait to find out.
XOXO,
Ali
My Book Rec: Euphoria
My Book Rec: Euphoria, by Lily King
Why Iām recommending it: OK, first, this book has nothing to do with the weird HBO show I hear people enjoy. This is about anthropologists in the 1930s exploring Papa New Guinea. Itās honestly a masterpiece. I read all of Lily Kingās books the same way I eat watermelon: in giant gulping bites. Itās so sweet, tangy, and yet relaxing. I know Iām in the hands of someone who will take me on an adventure and deliver me safely home.
Congratulations Ali! You beautifully captured the wonderful, exhilarating adventure of stepping into the future beside the one you choose to love, no matter what. There is something special about publicly shouting "I'm all in-for life!" My husband and I married 9 months after we started dating, and we just celebrated 32 years. Blessings to you both! :)
Congrats! Keep in mind, 50% of marriages keep going until the end and these are the ones to strive for. And there is nothing wrong with a fast decision, because when you know, you know.