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Dear Kate,
I’m engaged. Three months after our first date, he bent down on one knee with a small box. We were alone, on a quiet beach. He held out a ring: his grandmother’s diamond reset in a thin gold band. I said yes.
It wasn’t impulsive, it was planned. It felt serious and joyful, somber and celebratory, nerve-wracking and full of certainty, all at the same time.
Some will be shocked. Three months? Are they nuts?
Maybe. But it’s a beautiful thing to choose and to be chosen. It’s something our culture feels so disconnected from—the deep joy of making permanent decisions.
I’m not naive. I understand the statistics: “50 percent of marriages end in divorce.” Research has shown 20 percent of married men and 10 percent of married women cheat on their spouses. Today, marriage is declining. An increasing number of adults are staying single or choosing to cohabitate with their partners instead. The paperwork, the legality of marriage, feels like a financial agreement doomed for emotional and economic pain. It’s burdensome and constricting. “Aren’t we all too modern for this?” critics say.
But trends mean nothing until you examine the specifics. So here are the specifics.
We met at church. Our first dates were not dates at all, but long walks to debate and argue. We took loops around Lake Austin to yammer about big topics: religion, philosophy, diet, exercise, money, family. What makes a meaningful life? Is there ever such thing as a good person? What does “good” mean? (Our mutual friends find us exhausting.)
These days, we do the same thing over coffee and scrambled eggs in our kitchen. We talk to each other constantly—while cooking, showering, walking, reading, working. We’re like little parrots. Meanwhile, our text thread is so short I can still scroll to the top of it. Most of it says, “I’m here,” or “I’m parking,” or “Where are you?”
The reason we talk so much is that we have so much to talk about. We are very different people. He runs marathons, I like to take naps. He dropped out of college to start a company, bored by the inanity of learning without doing. I long for learning, the quiet sound of a lecture hall filled with scratching pencils. I’m cautious and controlled, he’s decisive and instinctive. He is the most punctual person I’ve ever met. I try my best to be on time. He jumps out of bed at 6:00 am. I fiddle with my phone until 7:30 am, or 8:00 am, and roll over until 9:00 am.
But we share core beliefs: There’s no such thing as a budget for books. Grey Poupon is better than Heinz. Faith comes first. Love the people around you. We believe in the value of inquisitiveness, asking “Why?” and “How?”
Here’s something important: He’s not a perfect person. We squabble sometimes about crumbs left on the counter or different visions for vacation plans. (I hate spending money, he likes to celebrate.) But I’m not a perfect person either. I can be crabby, anxious, and neurotic.
That’s what’s beautiful about the unending commitment of marriage. The flaws come too. We have space for messiness as well as joy. Within a lifelong commitment, I can free him from the burden of being perfect. Without the expectation of being the “perfect man,” he can be exactly what he is: A great man. (Crumbs and all.) That’s freeing.
I’ve never known a relationship where I didn’t have to edit myself or put on a show. “The pretty girl with a smile and a positive attitude,” cast of one. But marriage is different. It’s not a theater performance you can dance and sing then drop when the curtain closes—it’s constant. It’s all day, every day. No one can be pretty, polite, skinny, and peppy for forever. Failure is a certainty.
Yet he’s made a commitment to embrace me anyway, even when I’m messy, cranky, hungry, stinky, irrational, or too frugal. That’s not to say those characteristics are likable—they’re not—it’s to say that even when he doesn’t like it (or when I don’t like something he’s doing) we have a mutual agreement to keep going. To keep talking. To keep going on walks. To work through it.
Within the safety of that commitment, we can aim toward something nobler than perfection. We can aim toward becoming whole.
That’s an important distinction: unconditional love comes because of the commitment, not the other way around. So much of our culture—with shows like “The Bachelor” or “Love Island”—teaches us that the search for love is more important than the hard work of life in a relationship. We should hunt high and low for the perfect partner while casting aside anyone with blemishes. If they make a mistake, they’re gone. But once we find someone who is perfect, then we can fall in love. We’re looking for “the one.” Dating apps reinforce the idea: There are always more faces to swipe through. Your perfect match is out there, you just need to keep looking.
That’s why in most rom coms, the wedding happens at the end of the movie. The hard work—the search—is over. The main character has finally found the object of their affection, and they ride into the sunset together. Roll credits.
But for me, I’m choosing to believe the commitment is the beginning. It’s where the story starts. We’ve barely scribbled out our prologue. Where will the story go from here? I can’t wait to find out.
XOXO,
Ali
My Book Rec: Euphoria
My Book Rec: Euphoria, by Lily King
Why I’m recommending it: OK, first, this book has nothing to do with the weird HBO show I hear people enjoy. This is about anthropologists in the 1930s exploring Papa New Guinea. It’s honestly a masterpiece. I read all of Lily King’s books the same way I eat watermelon: in giant gulping bites. It’s so sweet, tangy, and yet relaxing. I know I’m in the hands of someone who will take me on an adventure and deliver me safely home.
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Links & excerpts from two writer friends, Kate Lucky & Ali Montag.
Congratulations Ali! You beautifully captured the wonderful, exhilarating adventure of stepping into the future beside the one you choose to love, no matter what. There is something special about publicly shouting "I'm all in-for life!" My husband and I married 9 months after we started dating, and we just celebrated 32 years. Blessings to you both! :)
Congrats! Keep in mind, 50% of marriages keep going until the end and these are the ones to strive for. And there is nothing wrong with a fast decision, because when you know, you know.